As I sat in my living room last night sobbing and feeling hopeless and powerless to help myself I saw a spiritual "fork in the road." I could choose in that very moment to have the full-blown mental break that has been stalking me or I could put it in its place, once and for all. I could stand there, look it in the face and say, "No. I am not going with you. I will fight every step I take until the day I die, I will never go your way. You cannot have me." The time was "now" right then, to make the choice, the defining moment for me happened just hours ago.
I knew I had to trust God. I had to believe that He was not calling me to the path that Satan could not wait to have me on. God was calling me to stop hesitating and to cut ties with that path. I could no longer allow my thoughts to wander down that path.
After I had a good cry. After I vented my greatest fears and frustrations. I made a plan. I told Alex what I needed help with and I told him my plan for today. It was well past midnight so I said, "later today, after I've slept and wake up, I have to focus on 3 main things: I need to clean this house; I need to figure out a detailed daily schedule we can all stick with; and I need to have a heart-to-heart with our girls."
Anyone reading this who feels concerned or worried, please know that I feel certain I will be okay and that I am finally on a good path. It's going to take a lot more up-front work, but I know I have it in me to make it happen. I've lost too many years to illness, unfortunate circumstances and hardships that kept me from meeting my full potential as a human being, a wife, a mother and a child of God.
I have a very clear picture of what needs to be done, what needs to be thrown away and what needs to sit on the "maybe later" shelf. Now that I have my head more organized, it is time to get my house organized!
Just a note on a different topic: I am now on my 12th day of being 100% vegan. Not sure if I am going to stick at the 100% level, but for now I am working on being vegan for a month without any exceptions, to see what I think of it, how I feel, etc. So far, so good. We did have a stomach virus this week, so I didn't each much of anything, but when I did feel hungry it was not too hard to remember to not go for something non vegan that I tend to crave, but to eat carrots and humus or to sip on a green smoothie.
I knew I had to trust God. I had to believe that He was not calling me to the path that Satan could not wait to have me on. God was calling me to stop hesitating and to cut ties with that path. I could no longer allow my thoughts to wander down that path.
After I had a good cry. After I vented my greatest fears and frustrations. I made a plan. I told Alex what I needed help with and I told him my plan for today. It was well past midnight so I said, "later today, after I've slept and wake up, I have to focus on 3 main things: I need to clean this house; I need to figure out a detailed daily schedule we can all stick with; and I need to have a heart-to-heart with our girls."
Anyone reading this who feels concerned or worried, please know that I feel certain I will be okay and that I am finally on a good path. It's going to take a lot more up-front work, but I know I have it in me to make it happen. I've lost too many years to illness, unfortunate circumstances and hardships that kept me from meeting my full potential as a human being, a wife, a mother and a child of God.
I have a very clear picture of what needs to be done, what needs to be thrown away and what needs to sit on the "maybe later" shelf. Now that I have my head more organized, it is time to get my house organized!
Just a note on a different topic: I am now on my 12th day of being 100% vegan. Not sure if I am going to stick at the 100% level, but for now I am working on being vegan for a month without any exceptions, to see what I think of it, how I feel, etc. So far, so good. We did have a stomach virus this week, so I didn't each much of anything, but when I did feel hungry it was not too hard to remember to not go for something non vegan that I tend to crave, but to eat carrots and humus or to sip on a green smoothie.
