Things were going well on my vegan journey until we went out of town for a family funeral. I tried to be prepared and got some packaged vegan energy bars, but the first night away when we finally got to our destination and were extremely hungry (it was about 10 PM) and I felt shaky and cranky and when we got to IHOP by the hotel I totally caved and had a totally dissatisfying German pancakes dish. It really was awful and I felt stupid for breaking vegan for such a non-tasty meal. I was sure I'd be strong the next day, but Rockwell (our almost 2 year old) had slept too much in the car on our trip and was totally thrown off his sleep schedule. I was up with him past 2 am and just so emotional and exhausted that when he finally did sleep, I could not fall asleep. We had stopped at the beach while traveling to the hotel and the kids were quite dirty so I bathed them when we got to the hotel, but decided to shower in the morning -my typical mom-mode: kids needs first and irrational thinking lead by exhaustion. I was so tired when the alarm kept rudely yelling at me to wake up that I ran out of time to secure a vegan breakfast before the funeral. We drove to a Carl's Jr. on the way and I inhaled an egg and cheese biscuit. I remember thinking, yet again, that it was not that tasty. I felt like a failure. Funerals are emotional. It was just my great grandmother's birthday (she passed away in 2003 -so it had been 11 years since her passing- but her birthday is always a reminder of her life and the joy she brought me). The funeral was for my husband's aunt, who was similar in character to my great grandmother -such a sweet and loving person. I remember looking up at the ceiling at the church to distract myself, seeing my husband's cousins fighting their tears in the pew in front of us was more than I could take at that moment. I knew their pain. I felt it. I didn't want to be in that church. I wanted to be on avoidance island.
Following the funeral and burial services there was a reception with loads of non vegan food. My thoughts were pretty much the following: "well, I have broken vegan already, might as well just eat what looks good." And eat I did!!! I ate healthy stuff, but lots of CAKE. That was one thing that seemed worth the "cheat." I have a serious sweet tooth. :)
After returning from our trip I was certain I would quickly get back on the vegan wagon. But I did not ever get fully back on.
Why???
I am not really sure. I am certainly convinced it is better for me. I am also convinced it is do able and I had already about two weeks of success on the diet and felt great on it. I forget exactly how much weight I loss, but it was about 7 lbs!!!!!
I have theories of why I never got back to it for so long, but all I can say is it is clear to me that there was something missing for me to fall off so easily (and to stay off so long). Briefly I think I was too stressed out to make proper decisions and too hard on myself for falling off. One thing I have learned from therapy is to have more self-compassion. I will certainly blog about that very subject another day! I also think that the element of something missing is a key area to explore. I think I have found that missing element: fruit. Yes, fruit and carbs in general. All I have ever known is that carbs make people fat. But do they? I am going to pick up here in my next post: High Carb, Low Fat, Vegan Lifestyle.
Following the funeral and burial services there was a reception with loads of non vegan food. My thoughts were pretty much the following: "well, I have broken vegan already, might as well just eat what looks good." And eat I did!!! I ate healthy stuff, but lots of CAKE. That was one thing that seemed worth the "cheat." I have a serious sweet tooth. :)
After returning from our trip I was certain I would quickly get back on the vegan wagon. But I did not ever get fully back on.
Why???
I am not really sure. I am certainly convinced it is better for me. I am also convinced it is do able and I had already about two weeks of success on the diet and felt great on it. I forget exactly how much weight I loss, but it was about 7 lbs!!!!!
I have theories of why I never got back to it for so long, but all I can say is it is clear to me that there was something missing for me to fall off so easily (and to stay off so long). Briefly I think I was too stressed out to make proper decisions and too hard on myself for falling off. One thing I have learned from therapy is to have more self-compassion. I will certainly blog about that very subject another day! I also think that the element of something missing is a key area to explore. I think I have found that missing element: fruit. Yes, fruit and carbs in general. All I have ever known is that carbs make people fat. But do they? I am going to pick up here in my next post: High Carb, Low Fat, Vegan Lifestyle.
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