Frustrations & Learning from Past Faliures

The other day my five year old, Grace, had a huge meltdown at the grocery store.  Full on tantrum with screaming at the top of her lungs.  I didn't tell her "no" to something, but I told her I would not agree to letting her have her OWN package of cookies that were identical to what her sister had picked out.  She had to have her very own package and insisted on it being exactly her way.  I am a seasoned veteran to the "choose your battles wisely" motto of parenting.  I calmly explained that I was fine with her picking a different kind of cookie, but she would be sharing them.  She lost it.  Flat-out, lost it in the bakery department.  I gave her a moment to recompose and again stated, "we don't need two packages of the same kind of cookie.  If you want something different you may choose a different one for us all to share." I was in a hurry and hungry and I knew Alex, my husband, was waiting for us at home (and I was bringing lunch).

A perfect storm was brewing right there in Vons.  Hungry, feeling stressed, rushed and quite embarrassed by a screaming child, I gave it one more try.  "Gracie, I am giving you 30 seconds to pick another type of cookie to share.  I am in a hurry and cannot stand here all day waiting for you to pick something."  Gracie seemed panicked and tortured and I could see her shutting down with the pressure I put on her.  Frustrated with myself, the "you are such a pathetic mother" voice grew louder.  Hands on my hips I said, "10, 9, 8, 7, 6..." By 1 I grabbed her hand and said, "Sorry, we need to go now." She dropped to the floor and screamed so loudly I can only imagine an old man ripping his hearing aids out of his ears on the opposite side of the store (I can see him opening a door in the freezer section to be startled nearly into heart failure as her screams began to assault his normally straining ears). 

As I neared the checkout area I got in close to her and firmly said in her ear, "So help me God, if you don't shut up I will spank you so hard when we get to the car." As you guessed, she only began to cry harder and scream more.  All eyes were on my child and I felt as if everyone was taking bets on who would come out the victor in our battle.

The lines were long and I had to do my best to restrain a thrashing child and soon Rockwell began to protest his confinement in the shopping cart.  I had a moment of clarity.  I took a deep oxygenating breath and picked up Gracie and held her in my arms.  I just rocked her in my arms while picking up Rockwell, too.  I reminded myself that they were not giving me a hard time, but they were having a hard time.  And, if anyone was giving anyone a hard time, it was me who was giving Gracie a hard time. 

She did not stop her tantrum, but I had certainly stopped mine.  When it was my transaction's time, the cashier asked the generic, "How are you today, ma'am?" I replied, "other than tantrums, I am fine, you?" He told me about his niece having a similar tantrum earlier that day because her new toy broke.  He said, "Nothing I said worked, I even promised to buy her a new toy!" I reflected, "It's hard to deal with disappointments and frustrations." Wisely he said, "yeah, even as an adult I can get stuck when I don't get my way."  "Yes, I must admit, I certainly throw tantrums too -they just look different that this," I said, exhibiting my flailing five year old. 

It's important for me to look at this sliver of time in my parenting adventures.  There were a lot of things I did wrong, but also a lot that I did right.  Most importantly, I did not exhibit love and respect to my child from the start.  I put us all in an unnecessarily stressful situation.  I know my child gets overwhelmed and I could have been much more helpful to her.  I also need to do a better job of not allowing myself to get so stressed out (and hunger is a big stress contributor for me).

I did follow up on the whole ordeal with Grace and owned my wrong doings.  She apologized and we had an overall good talk with lots of hugs and we came to a better place in our relationship, as a result. 

I faced a great deal of frustration and felt like throwing a big tantrum earlier today, but I reviewed some things with myself and asked myself to look at the big picture and asked hard questions of myself.  I am happy to say I didn't throw a tantrum and I was able to work through the frustration and press on for the goal I am seeking.  I'll write more about this in my next post.

Fell off the Vegan Wagon

Things were going well on my vegan journey until we went out of town for a family funeral.  I tried to be prepared and got some packaged vegan energy bars, but the first night away when we finally got to our destination and were extremely hungry (it was about 10 PM) and I felt shaky and cranky and when we got to IHOP by the hotel I totally caved and had a totally dissatisfying German pancakes dish.  It really was awful and I felt stupid for breaking vegan for such a non-tasty meal.  I was sure I'd be strong the next day, but Rockwell (our almost 2 year old) had slept too much in the car on our trip and was totally thrown off his sleep schedule.  I was up with him past 2 am and just so emotional and exhausted that when he finally did sleep, I could not fall asleep. We had stopped at the beach while traveling to the hotel and the kids were quite dirty so I bathed them when we got to the hotel, but decided to shower in the morning -my typical mom-mode: kids needs first and irrational thinking lead by exhaustion.  I was so tired when the alarm kept rudely yelling at me to wake up that I ran out of time to secure a vegan breakfast before the funeral.  We drove to a Carl's Jr. on the way and I inhaled an egg and cheese biscuit.  I remember thinking, yet again, that it was not that tasty.  I felt like a failure.  Funerals are emotional.  It was just my great grandmother's birthday (she passed away in 2003 -so it had been 11 years since her passing- but her birthday is always a reminder of her life and the joy she brought me).  The funeral was for my husband's aunt, who was similar in character to my great grandmother -such a sweet and loving person.  I remember looking up at the ceiling at the church to distract myself, seeing my husband's cousins fighting their tears in the pew in front of us was more than I could take at that moment.  I knew their pain.  I felt it.  I didn't want to be in that church.  I wanted to be on avoidance island. 

Following the funeral and burial services there was a reception with loads of non vegan food. My thoughts were pretty much the following: "well, I have broken vegan already, might as well just eat what looks good." And eat I did!!! I ate healthy stuff, but lots of CAKE.  That was one thing that seemed worth the "cheat."  I have a serious sweet tooth. :)

After returning from our trip I was certain I would quickly get back on the vegan wagon.  But I did not ever get fully back on. 

Why???

I am not really sure.  I am certainly convinced it is better for me.  I am also convinced it is do able and I had already about two weeks of success on the diet and felt great on it.  I forget exactly how much weight I loss, but it was about 7 lbs!!!!!

I have theories of why I never got back to it for so long, but all I can say is it is clear to me that there was something missing for me to fall off so easily (and to stay off so long).  Briefly I think I was too stressed out to make proper decisions and too hard on myself for falling off.  One thing I have learned from therapy is to have more self-compassion.  I will certainly blog about that very subject another day!  I also think that the element of something missing is a key area to explore.  I think I have found that missing element: fruit.  Yes, fruit and carbs in general.  All I have ever known is that carbs make people fat.  But do they? I am going to pick up here in my next post: High Carb, Low Fat, Vegan Lifestyle.